2020 (an exercise in acceptance)

So you didn’t have forever,
at least it wasn’t never,
at least there was something instead of nothing,
at least there was music instead of silence.

Remember the beginning,
how it began like a bang, […]

2020
(an exercise in acceptance)


So you didn't have forever,
at least it wasn't never,
at least there was something instead of nothing,
at least there was music instead of silence.

Remember the beginning,
how it began like a bang,
suddenly there was something
bursting forth with such ferocity
that you'll forever feel it
aching. 

Remember what was next was music,
filled with breaks
and rests,
peaks and valleys,
all adding all up to a stirring song,
that will forever refill your heart to remember.

So you didn't have your forever,
at least it wasn't never,
at least there was something instead of nothing,
at least there was music instead of silence.


02-18-21
M. L. Michael 

About…

Tolerance and Grocery Shopping

In order to be a more tolerant person,
I think I’m going to wait and do my grocery shopping on the eve of Christmas Eve,
I’ll do it at the biggest, the most crowded, HEB or Wal-Mart around.

This merry grocery gauntlet will test my mettle in almost every way.
I will compete with hordes of hungry procrastinators and foolish planners.

And I will suffer them all. […]

In order to be a more tolerant person, 
I think I'm going to wait and do my grocery shopping on the eve of Christmas Eve,
I'll do it at the biggest, the most crowded, HEB or Wal-Mart around.

This merry grocery gauntlet will test my mettle in almost every way. 
I will compete with hordes of hungry procrastinators and foolish planners. 
And I will suffer them all. 
I will be patient with them as we move, 
like zombies, or like cattle, down the aisles.
 
I will forgive those who trespass against me, 
for they have forgotten the etiquettes of traffic, 
as they travel with their carts half full, and their children fully irritated, 
down the wrong side of the aisle,
glaring at me like I'm the jackass in the way.
 
And then, inevitably, 
whenever I feel that bit of cynicism that exists in us all - 
that humanity is irredeemable, 
that life is a futile circus of charades... 
I'll pause to take it all in,
and I'll shrug and laugh. 
What's the next thing on my list? 

Two hours later, plus thirty minutes in line, I'll give my bounty to the pour souls trapped behind the cash registers and grocery bags. 
I will smile at them and wish them a Merry Christmas. 
They will say the same, but their eyes will be pleading.

Thus, with my cart full, my list marked off,
I will emerge from HEB,
a stronger and more forgiving man.


...

Life may be a circus of charades .. or it may not be. 
But I know one thing. 
It is far from futile. 
Because I checked off everything on my list.


.
.
.

...except the rolls... 
son of a god-dammit it all to hell, 
I forgot the fucking rolls. 
....You know what, screw it. 
We're eating rolled up wonder bread and calling them rolls.
Such is life. 

12.22.15
M. L. Michael


About…

Maybe

What’s the word for the sudden realization that your life is going well?
When you snap from the war fatigue and realize, holy shit, I’m happy.
And that year, after year, after fuck-ing year in the trenches, you notice it’s been all sunshiny for days.
Where’s the snapshot of that sunsmily realization?[…]

Maybe.

What's the word for the sudden realization that your life is going well?
When you snap from the war fatigue and realize, holy shit, I'm happy. 
And that year, after year, after fuck-ing year in the trenches, you notice it's been all sunshiny for days. 
Where's the snapshot of that sunsmily realization?

What's the word for the sound it makes when you snap out of the stupor of solemnity?
When you shake your head, and you shake off that negative clout. 
When you rub your eyes and see this path that you've been making is beginning to make sense.
Where's the snapshot of that dawned expression?


...It's a long con, maybe. 

You hang in there. You don't give up. Everyone suffers. Suffering is relative. People get better. You can get better. You don't give up. You  hang in there...

A long con, maybe.

Maybe. 




2.17.15
M. L. Michael

 

About…

apparitions (performed with bi_Polar bear)

The sun sets on the empty horizon,
And a blood moon aches to fill in the space,

The Ghost of I, mirroring the Specter of Sighs,
Running from the Abyss of Nigh,
Struggles to find relief
In the space twixt cold sheets. […]

The sun sets on the empty horizon,
And a blood moon aches to fill in the space,

The Ghost of I, mirroring the Specter of Sighs, 
Running from the Abyss of Nigh,
Struggles to find relief
In the space twixt cold sheets.           

Crows caw in the distance,
Caroling the end of an era,
Ushering in the reality of an omen,
Crows caw,
Signaling the beginning
Of the flight or fight omen,
The dawn of
The do or die era.

.....


There will be no sleep for the Ghost of I,
For the crows have spoken,
And in their caw they have responded with a simple chorus –

The ghost is done,
The specter moves on,
The abyss has won,

Their caw echoes into the night,
Their call remains unanswered…

Unless…

Unless the ghost rages from its haunted bed
And floats out from the dark, into the light,
Into a forgiving, a living, world,
To find the crows of ill tidings,
And correct them of their misguidings.

…Brimming with purpose, the ghost sets out,
Across the deserts of depression,
Into the forests of folly,
Over the mountains of malaise,
Into the ravines of reward..
Through the fields of failure,
Into the space of what’s to come.
The ghost must be determined
To find the crows and stop their cawing.

Time is lost to the one so determined,
And – hope never forgotten –
Full of vim and of fighting,
The ghost finds the nest of crows,
The source of his true haunting,

Here is that murder,
A whirlwind of wanting tar feathers,
A myriad mass of caws and cacophony,
A indistinguishable blur of agony,
A writhing want of bliss for the abyss.

But fear is lost to the spirit so determined,
And – pain now forgotten –
Full of vigor and of fighting,
The ghost dives into this cacophony,
Into the source of true agony.

To gnash and gnaw,
To crash and claw.

The abyss is theirs to revolt,
To rebel against,
The abyss is theirs,
To dispel,
To distort against.

The abyss is theirs
to own.

….

The crows are never silenced,
But now they caw a different chorus,

The ghost is done.
The ghost has won.
The ghost moves on.

The End.
The End.
The End…

-12/18/13-
M. L. Michael 


About…

RIP Jeremy Rounkles…

silence is ugly

silence is ugly.
noise is golden.

silence is stagnant,
a break in beat.
silence is still,
the lack of life,
the wane of will.[…]

silence is ugly. 
noise is golden.

silence is stagnant,
a break in beat.
silence is still,
the lack of life,
the wane of will.

for silence speaks only of nothing,
and the weight of our knowledge
of the constant expanding space.


noise is nourishing,
a reaction against removal.
noise is knowing,
the celebration of creation,
the glee of growing.

for noise knows nothing of nothing,
and sends notes like bottles
out into the constant expanding space.   

M, L. Michael 
11.18.13 

About…

Residue

7 AM – a sublime sadness stirs you from your slumber, and in those fleeting, fogged out, moments, you’re barely able to maintain your grip on the ghost of a dream now wanting.
it’s the last dream on your mind.
the one dream that always stays on your mind. […]

Residue

7 AM – a sublime sadness stirs you from your slumber, and in those fleeting, fogged out, moments, you’re barely able to maintain your grip on the ghost of a dream now wanting. 
it’s the last dream on your mind.
the one dream that always stays on your mind.

this dream is your gold standard, your grasp at a perfect ideal, at a model worthy of transcribing. it’s your very definition of bliss…

until you wake, and that dream begins to turn. it wraps around you and it rots. it seeps into you, into your blood, and it poisons your heart.

the specifics of the dream fade, and emotions flood in to make up for the loss, leaving a residue to stain your day with the unshakable weight of naught.

you forget that the dream happened, and as the day trudges on, everything seen and felt remains tinted by its grayed out lens.     

the luster that comes from life spent wisely is lost – it might as well be forgotten. only a dull existence remains, one sparked into creation by a dream that can no longer be recalled.

work seems meaningless, visits with family and friends, pointless. because within the wells of your dreaming, upon the moment of your waking, a bad seed was planted.

your entire day plays out like this, and even though you cannot track the coordinates of the cause, you’re still able to take solace in some familiarity, however brutal it may be.  
you've been down this road before.
and you will be down it again.
because you dare to dream the fool’s dream –
the one of obtaining perfections only found
in dreams that sour upon waking.

M. L. Michael
9/7/13


About…

Aromanxiety

I’m in a crowd of unfamiliarity,
with strangers shooting daggers,
and judgements running rampant,
when suddenly I catch a whiff of you
– a blitzkrieg visceral assault of aching hues
of lingering fragrances that knock me from my post. […]

Aromanxiety 

I’m in a crowd of unfamiliarity, 
with strangers shooting daggers,
and judgements running rampant,
when suddenly I catch a whiff of you
- a blitzkrieg visceral assault of aching hues
of lingering fragrances that knock me from my post.
and suddenly time and space are warped,
suddenly it is years of scars and wounds ago,
suddenly we are falling all over again,
and then suddenly I come to,
in a crowd of unfamiliarity,
where you’re nowhere to be found.

-11-06-12-
M. L. Michael


  

About…

that crumple in your smile

that crumple in your smile,
those wavering pond eyes,
reflect the pitiful creature you see in me.

as sweet as it sounds,
don’t tell me you are sorry you can’t take it all away,
because you shouldn’t shoulder such responsibility. […]

that crumple in your smile,
those wavering pond eyes,
reflect the pitiful creature you see in me.

as sweet as it sounds,
don’t tell me you are sorry you can’t take it all away,
because you shouldn’t shoulder such responsibility.

as dear as it may be,
don’t tell me you think I deserve better,
because there was little reason in the toss of this dice.

as lovely as it can feel,
don’t tell me that you wish things were different,
because then you and I and us and this would cease to…


/07.03.12/
M. L. Michael 


About…

wake up to this

Wake up to the sight of a dozen crows perched on the horizon
and the dream of Dorothy becoming a fickle thing,
and her ruby toed goodbye being a sour sort of thing,
because now a swollen bruise hangs in the sky, and the crows wont stop cawing.


Wake up to find there’s no place like a home that’s haunted.
-there’s no reason to fear the dark- but reason enough to save yourself;
its the do or die test– the water is coming, its a sink or swim race;
now try and run with your dreamers legs and your clown shoes. […]

Wake up to the sight of a dozen crows perched on the horizon
and the dream of Dorothy becoming a fickle thing,
and her ruby toed goodbye being a sour sort of thing,
because now a swollen bruise hangs in the sky, and the crows wont stop cawing.

Wake up to find there’s no place like a home that's haunted.
-there's no reason to fear the dark- but reason enough to save yourself;
its the do or die test– the water is coming, its a sink or swim race;
now try and run with your dreamers legs and your clown shoes.

Wake up to the racket of a dozen crows ready to roost,
(there’s a murder causing hell over your roof, 
ready to rain away any chance of a parade
if you don’t claim your higher ground.)

Wake up to the panic of there’s no time left on the clock.
the storm is here, and the flock has found their cuckoo nest.
ready or not, you better fly and finally soar like the rest,
so take heart, steel your mind, and summon old courage
and forget the crutches – they’re only handicaps on a brick road.

Wake up to the alarm of a dozen years dreaming,
so encumbered by your heavy coat of slumber -
you fight familiar demons masquerading as nightmares,
discouraging you from leaving a house now flooding,
making mute this place you called home
where now only the crows sit and the water waits.

Wake up to find Dorothy had bailed from this merry-go-round
left a note saying you weren’t ready this go around –
that the storm is here and you’re still struggling with the baggage.
still sluggish from a longish slumber,
yet to comprehend the emergency of sobriety.

Wake up to the sound of sirens singing the murder song
and you cursing out your best swan song -
“the ship is sinking – abandon all ye sleeping, make out for land!
No time for weeping, break past the line of constant return.
This time, wake up for real!"

M. L. Michael
04/30/12

About…

By April of 2012 I had enough with the cycle of taking more and more pain medicine until it eventually unraveled into a destructive downwards spiral. As soon as I noticed this happening I told my pain management doctor and we decided I should go to a 30 day rehab clinic right away.

This poem was written in the middle of that night from a dream that woke me up. In a mere six hours or so after this was written I was being driven by my parents to the clinic.

fishy awareness

I have a dream…
and in this dream… I am a fish:
I’ve been swimming along for a while now,
out in this fascinating, seemingly endless, ocean…

I see little worms, wriggling, deliciously, ahead,
and I eat ‘em as I go along… as they make me swim on, with a bit more steam.[…]

Fishy Awareness
(This is for “National Fish Awareness Month”)

I have a dream…
and in this dream… I am a fish:
I’ve been swimming along for a while now,
out in this fascinating, seemingly endless, ocean…

I see little worms, wriggling, deliciously, ahead,
and I eat ‘em as I go along… as they make me swim on, with a bit more steam.

I swim along fine, for a while…
until I notice…there are hooks! dragging me against my current-will –
draining this fish’s steam powered body of more internal combustion! 
So, I fight and swim, I fight and swim, slowly losing against so many hooks… 
until I am just too tired…and I cant find a good pair of hands…and I give up…

Watching the ocean I love being reeled away faster, I think – 
     Ok, wow, ocean; so, this is it…
     Some of those bullshit worms, actually had deceptive little hooks in them.
     …thanks for the great warning…

And then in this dream… I, gratefully, wake up.

Happy I am not, really just some dumb fish…
But still, oh-fishily leery, 
about delectable, detectable, worms,
and possible, horrible, hidden, hooks…

05/08/11
M. L. Michael 

About…