Author: mlmichael

That Elephant

Some things are too painful, too personal to deal with,
and so we box them up, throw ‘em in the back corner,
hoping that we never have to deal with it,
or even ever talk about it.
…
It’s that elephant, that box in the back corner. […]

Some things are too painful, too personal to deal with,
and so we box them up, throw ‘em in the back corner,
hoping that we never have to deal with them,
or even ever talk about 'em.
…
It’s that elephant, that box in the back corner. 

…

A word to the readers:
It’s okay if you see the elephant,
You know the drill; it’s not really there.
So avert your eyes, and talk about the weather, whatever. 

…

Some tasks require a lot of work to be completed,
and so we must get the ball first rolling and rolling.
Don’t worry, the momentum of going will carry us through. 
Fore it all begins with that initial push.
…
And there goes that elephant, that box from the back corner.

M. L. Michael
07/31/2021

About…

(Warning, hari-kari gut spilling ahead)

For a while I’ve been walking around with an elephant.
It’s been following me since at least 2013.
…that’s when my teeth first started to fall apart. Altho I had no idea at the time, a combination of my history and the suboxone that I was given to come off the pain medicine, my teeth started eroding and then literally just breaking apart when I would eat anything.
I have always had weird, childhood issues, with dentistry and my teeth. So when this happened, the last thing in my mind was to go to a $%&*ing dentist. And so I did the next best thing. Denial. I boxed my issues up and shoved them in the corner. I did this as they got worse and worse. A couple/few years back I found a sedation dentist in Goliad. I went and saw him. He is an amazing dentist, he dealt with my concerns expertly, but he said he had to replace all my teeth. …that terrified me and I never went back..
Fast forward to now. I finally have the tools to deal with this. I have been dealing with this in therapy and the medicine helps too. My loved ones are helping me and pushing me along. I also found an *amazing* dentist. Dr. Zboril here in Victoria. He can repair most of my teeth and only needs to replace some. His bedside manner was the best out of any dentist I had ever been too to. Thanks to all of these things I am now taking the steps to repair my teeth.
*phew*
Thanks for reading,
and as always,
Take Care Out There.

“See You In The Morning”

“Night, night. Love you. See you in the morning.”
Those are the words I tell her nearly every night.
After tucking her in, listening to her protests of sleep,
her stories and her distractions, her cries against
the dying of her night.

“Night night. Love you too. See you in the morning.”
She tells me, and I close her door,
shutting those words in her room,
until they are released the next day,
when she opens up her door and says
“good morning.” 

“Night, night. Love you. See you in the morning.”
Those are the words I tell her nearly every night. 
After tucking her in, listening to her protests of sleep,
her stories and her distractions, her cries against
the dying of the light. 

“Night night. Love you too. See you in the morning.”
She tells me, and I close her door, 
shutting those words in her room,
until they are released the next day,
when she opens up her door and says
"good morning". 

07/29/2021
M. L. Michael

About…

This is not the poem I set out to write.. but I tucked my daughter in and was taken a different direction.When we said that to each other it just hit different this time. I was already in poetry mode. Will we see each other in the morning? I hope so.
Good night everyone.See you in the morning.

Giving Up The Ghost

There was this one night I fell in love with a ghost for the first time.
All because I could not let go.

I was still just a kid, and this was the first ghost
that ever haunted me in such a way
that I felt frozen to the spot where we began,
Beholden to something I would not release.
[…]

Giving Up The Ghost

There was this one night I fell in love with a ghost for the first time. 
All because I could not let go.

I was still just a kid, and this was the first ghost 
that ever haunted me in such a way 
that I felt frozen to the spot where we began, 
Beholden to something I would not release. 

I don’t remember my first words… 
Only that they were surely awkward, 
(but awkward in a charming way, 
like a trip over a rock that turns into a brisk jog.) 

We met like this, night after night, 
One physical being, holding, hugging a memory, 
One spectral being, staying, delaying a departure. 
Night after night, holding, hugging, staying, delaying…

Until there was this one night. 
When the act of giving up and moving on meant more than hugging tight and holding on. 


M. L. Michael 
07/20/2021

About…

There’s this phrase that I’ve been obsessed with since I heard it for the first time.
“Giving up the ghost” most often means some kind of mechanical or electronic device breaking down/”dying”.
However, in Britain (and sometimes the U.S.), it can also mean giving up on something that you know is futile.
Both definitions spoke to me…and it wasn’t long before I had the idea of giving up the ghost being the memory of a person…rather someone that has passed or someone that has moved on.
I hope you enjoy.
Take Care Out There.

5th of July (the gulf)

It’s the 5th of July 2021 and it has me thinking;
Imagine creating two separate social media accounts.
On one, you follow conservative and Republican influencers;

On the other, you follow liberal and Democrat influencers.

It won’t take long before you notice a gulf growing between the two.
Two separate, and irreconcilable, narratives being played out.
One that paints their side as the patriots defending against the traitors,
And one that paints their side as the righteous defending against the unjust.[…]

It’s the 5th of July 2021 and it has me thinking;
Imagine creating two separate social media accounts. 
On one, you follow conservative and Republican influencers; 
On the other, you follow liberal and Democrat influencers.

It won’t take long before you notice a gulf growing between the two.
Two separate, and irreconcilable, narratives being played out.  
One that paints their side as the patriots defending against the traitors, 
And one that paints their side as the righteous defending against the unjust.

Take almost any major event from the past five years or so, 
On one account you will see one version of the event, 
Their party in the right, and the other in the wrong. 
And on the other account it’s the same thing, but in their favor.

It’s understandable if one is confused …and maybe it’s by design.
A gulf is being created between the two, growing further every day, 
Making it harder to communicate, or collaborate, across the gap,
Requiring more effort to connect, the further the gulf grows…

07/05/21
M. L. Michael

About…

I’ve been working on this idea for the past year or so. The response to Covid 19 on both sides is what initially opened my eyes to this problem.
One side felt like it was being overblown. The other side felt not enough was being done. Each side pointed to the other as the problem.
I sense this gulf growing and growing.
This isn’t about who is right and who is wrong. If you think that, you are missing the point.
It’s about the separate realities being created by this separate narratives.
They cannot coexist. Their biggest appeal is their defiance of the other side.
I don’t know where we go from here. But I know have to at least point this out as much as I can.

This is Depression

Something is wrong.
Once again, something is off, and you don’t know why.
You only know that you don’t feel right. You feel less than 100%.
Maybe, not even, 50%…. You feel like you are dragging your feet thru the day,
Like your spirit is dragging even further behind… and it takes forever to catch up.[…]

Something is wrong. 
Once again, something is off, and you don’t know why. 
You only know that you don’t feel right. You feel less than 100%.
Maybe, not even, 50%.... You feel like you are dragging your feet thru the day,
Like your spirit is dragging even further behind… and it takes forever to catch up.
…
This is depression. 
This is your brain with a boo-boo. 
Just like our incredibly complex bodies break down in incredibly complex ways,
Our brains can do just the same. 
Just like you go to the doctor when your body, your bones and organs, need treatment,
Our brains, our thoughts our emotions, deserve the same kind of treatment. 
…
Nothing is *truly* wrong, 
Bodies have glitches, brains do too. 
And at least 20% of the people around you are experiencing this now.
And maybe more, maybe more that are unaware,
that help is nearby, and your spirit can catch up.
 
M. L. Michael
06/14/2021

About…

I used to tell people that I got depressed, but I didn’t have depression. I was never clinically diagnosed with it. I also had a more subtle distinction. Getting depressed every now and then was ok. If it never goes away, then it is depression.
I wasn’t until late in my thirties that I found myself seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist. I found out my understanding of depression was naïve and narrow. There’s a lot about depression that goes on behind the scenes. It jacks with your chemicals, your levels. And no amount of journaling, or listening to music, or whatever can change the biology of what is happening in your brain.
So, I am getting treatment now. I’m optimistic about the results. (I find optimism is the best outlook for anything related to health.) And I ended up writing this poem as a kind of PSA about depression, and, a life jacket, for whomever may need it.
As always, take care out there.

Chasing Fireflies(Nostalgia)

I used to chase fireflies…
back when I was a kid, back in the sticks,
we had fireflies floating from dusk till dawn,
twinkling in and out like little stars,

(I wish I may, I wish I might,
catch this firefly tonight,)[…]

Chasing Fireflies(Nostalgia)

I used to chase fireflies…
back when I was a kid, back in the sticks,
we had fireflies floating from dusk till dawn,
twinkling in and out like little stars,

(I wish I may, I wish I might,
catch this firefly tonight,)

I remember they would suddenly blink *on*,
outside, here and there, these real life fairies
had come to be and dared me to chase them,
to catch them in my clasped hands. 

I would hold them there, 
feel them fluttering, and feeling more alive
with each passing second, until I open my hands
and watch them blink out of my grasp and my life.

(I wish I may, I wish I might,
catch this firefly tonight,)

…I can’t remember the last time I saw a firefly…
maybe too many were caught and never let go,
or maybe too many of us left our lights always on, 
and left no darkness for the fireflies to roam…

(…I wish I may, I wish I might,
chase one firefly tonight…)

-M. L. Michael
06/10/2021.





About…

Reasons to Keep a Journal (Or – How a Journal Becomes a One Way DeLorean)

Whenever I scroll through past pages, flipping backwards in time with each page,
I can see my past play out – fast reversed – until I stop at a point, on a page,

and read where I was at in that moment, at that time, on that page.

From there I march forward, page by page, reading my past thoughts,

reliving my past with my knowledge of the future,

knowing what is coming, but being unable to do anything about it,
seeing my hubris set me up, and then reality teeing me off. […]

Reasons to Keep a Journal 
(Or – How a Journal Becomes a One Way DeLorean)

Whenever I scroll through past pages, flipping backwards in time with each page, 
I can see my past play out – fast reversed – until I stop at a point, on a page, 
and read where I was at in that moment, at that time, on that page. 

From there I march forward, page by page, reading my past thoughts, 
reliving my past with my knowledge of the future, 
knowing what is coming, but being unable to do anything about it, 
seeing my hubris set me up, and then reality teeing me off. 

Humility comes with each step and each page forward, 
witnessing every success and failure, every love and loss, 
with me barreling through it, forever unawares 
of the futures and the unknowns… 

05/30/2021? 
M. L. Michael

About…

Eternity (in a touch)

I felt eternity in your touch.

When our eyes locked and our skin touched,
I felt eternity stretching between us, before us, behind us,
I felt a grounding to this moment and an awareness of all others,

In that touch, the past is vibrant, passionate,
in that touch the future is defiant, frenetic,

In that touch, in this poem, we now resonate
in eternity.

Eternity (in a touch)

I felt eternity in your touch.

When our eyes locked and our skin touched,
I felt eternity stretching between us, before us, behind us,
I felt a grounding to this moment and an awareness of all others,

In that touch, the past is vibrant, passionate,
in that touch the future is defiant, frenetic,

In that touch, in this poem, we now resonate
in eternity.

05/25/2021
M. L. Michael

About…

The Cycle (of Pain Pills)

The Cycle (of Pain Pills) //

So the cycle goes…
You’re hurting more, so you take more pain medicine. “Surely, I’ll be hurting less in the future.” Is your reasonig. Or – “That’s a problem for future me!” is your answer. Really, it doesn’t matter what you tell yourself. All that matters is an end to the pain. 
And then there you are, a week before you medicine is to be refilled, either almost out or completely out. 
So you ration. 
You go thru withdrawal. 
Cold sweats. Unescapable aches, 
Jesus Christ, give me a bullet or give me a pill. 
You make it thru (you always do), 
you get your medicine refilled. 
And you hold it together long enough until the next time you break down and take an extra.
Because surely, you’ll be hurting less in the future… or – that’s a problem for future me. 
…So the cycle goes.  

05/16/2021
M. L. Michael

About…

Pics or it didn’t happen

“If you didn’t share it on social media, did it even happen?”
Well…
It did…until it suddenly didn’t.
With no place to hold on to in my mind, that moment floats around, forever adrift,
With nothing to anchor it down it cannot be found with any sense of reliability.
My only hope is to come across it again sometime …like ships in the night. […]

“Pics or it didn’t happen”

“If you didn’t share it on social media, did it even happen?”
Well…
It did…until it suddenly didn’t. 
With no place to hold on to in my mind, that moment floats around, forever adrift, 
With nothing to anchor it down it cannot be found with any sense of reliability. 
My only hope is to come across it again sometime …like ships in the night.

…So many memories remain forever adrift. 
I’ve never come across them, and I seemingly never will. 
Did these memories even happen? 
They did….until they suddenly didn’t. 
They happened in that moment. 
I felt them then. 
And then… that’s it… 

A single point in space/time. 
Never again to be revisited. 

…unless I talk about it on social media, and revisit it on my timeline…

05/13/2021
M. L. Michael

About…